Ass-trology…Anyone?

 

Just when we thought we heard it all, we will accidentally stumble upon something that will either crack us up or make us shake our heads, out of incredulity or even outrageousness, that people would not only entertain the idea of, but also, would engage in testing the very idea of certain things like…rumpology.

Rump what?!? Oh yeah, if you type this terminology in your MSWord, the app’s spell-checker will mark it red as possible wrong-spelled word. But no. There is actually a term called R-U-M-P-O-L-O-G-Y.

Of course, you have heard about palm reading, face reading, iris reading, and what-not. Likewise, it is likely that you have encountered in your newsfeed articles about how to read a person’s character traits based on the shape of his/her hand, feet, fingers and nose. Now, as if that is not enough, rumpology is also added to the list of pseudoscience-divination.

Why am I even talking about it? Well, see here, a friend and I were talking about how one could possibly kick someone’s ass psychically. A curious cat that he is, he looked that up over at Google finding rumpology in his search instead. Jokingly, he suggested that I should write something about it. Lacking the nerve to deal with serious topics today, I thought, why the hell not? So, there, out of whim, you will get education, like it or not, about ass-trology.

According to The Skeptic’s Dictionary, “Rumpology, also known as butt reading, is the art of reading the lines, crevices, dimples and folds of the buttocks to divine the butt owner’s character and get a glimpse of what lies ahead by analyzing what trails behind.”

Jacqueline Frances Stallone, Sylvester Stallone’s very own mother and a foremost rumpologist, claimed that this art was practiced in ancient Babylon, Greece, India and Rome. She said that the left butt cheek reveals a person’s past and represents the right hemisphere of the human brain; while the right buttocks reveals a person’s future and represents the left hemisphere. Wow! (Now, I said that with tongue-in-cheek surprise.)

Rumpologists claimed that rump reading is similar to any other reading like palmistry or face reading because “rumps have lines like those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about character and destiny. An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident, often creative and enjoys life. A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth.”

Heart-shaped means emotional, romantic and sensual. Square-shaped means cool, calm and collected. Flat buttocks means confident, smart and career-driven. Round ones means open, honest and sincere.

If there are lines on the bottom left cheek that means you are feeling pressure from your partner. A dimple on the top right cheek means you are indecisive and fiery. A dimple on the far right of the right cheek would mean a new job in the future. And a mark near the gluteal cleft means you are indecisive at work.

Imagine the wisdom you can glean just by looking at people’s divine butts!

According to The Skeptic’s Dictionary, if you ever wanted to sample ass-trology, Ms. Stallone charges $125 and that will get you, not only your personalized butt reading, but also, an 8.5×11 glossy color print of your dear butt that can be framed if you so like. Fancy that. Tell me, who the heck, in his or her right mind, would display a frame of his/her own bottom? Such an exquisite art will require a very sacred place in the house where the owner can admire, or even meditate, while staring at this splendor, I would imagine. Besides, I think it would need a 24-hour security just to ensure that a heist will not be attempted to such a priceless possession. Well, I guess, I will just pass up on Ms. Stallone’s talent although her service charge is quite reasonable, I would say. What is $125 anyway when you will gain a perfect knowledge of your own butt? Knowledge is power, people!

Nevertheless, would you actually ever strip your clothes and have your butts divined by a stranger? I mean, he/she would poke on those cute cheeks while you are either standing there or lying face down. He/she would also touch your divine butt while examining those lines, crevices, dimples and folds! Of course, all this while, his/her face is right within inches from your bottom. (But note that ass-trology may be done by sight, touch or using bottom prints.) That is just so LOL.

Well, anyway, I would like to put some serious tone on this subject so I asked the opinion of Mr. Frederick Court in relation to rumpology. He is a sweet, handsome Australian former-airforce-turned-actor (thought I’d mention that because Ms. Jacqueline Frances Stallone has also a celeb status and hey, Mr. Court actually has slight resemblance with Sly Stallone!) with fantastic sense of humor (I was told I should specify that otherwise I cannot quote him in this article) and who also happened to be an Alternative Health Practitioner. He said that rumpology, by itself, “is not based on any traditional or allopathic (Western) medicine”. However, in practice, many parts of the body are used for diagnosis like, for example, hand, scalp, face, ear, and tongue and so on.

He added that the color and texture of skin can tell if someone is having kidney or digestive problems; while nails that are brittle and have lines in it indicate a weak or problematic liver. So, in essence, butt, as part of our body can be also used for diagnosis “as long as such is done by an experienced alternative health practitioner”, according to Mr. Court. But, rather than butt-divination, he would prefer to examine the tongue instead, take the patient’s pulse and look at his/her face to diagnose possible complications.

He gave me a short lecture in relation to acupuncture and butt pain as well as auricular acupuncture addiction and detox treatments. (Oh well, you do not attempt any conversation with this guy unless you are ready to listen to technicalities of the issue because he can get so “Einsteinistic” in the process that could result to the listener suffering a major nosebleed.)

However, I think I will save those for another day as it would take me quite further from our original topic which is about ass-trology – the divination of the divine butt.

Ciao! Until next.