There is a reason it is called “falling in love” – falling, and not any other term, a wise man said. Falling because that implies allowing one’s self to lose or surrender control – to experience something in complete abandonment – to be open to the possibility of getting hurt (to fall, ergo, to possibly suffer breaking a limb or two) – to be wounded. In short, to be vulnerable.
Most people only wanted the one side of loving – companionship, intimacy, care, acceptance, validation, the sense of belongingness, the sense of having a witness to one’s existence, the sense of being wanted, the security. All that good stuff. Oftentimes, we expect the other person to provide it all – the sense of fulfillment and happiness. Without pausing and considering if we are willing to provide the same. Relationship is a two-way street, the last time I checked.
Worse, too, we leave no room for the challenges that test any kind of love. We deny that such exist. We deny that it is subject to fallibility despite the fact that the parties involved are humans and, therefore, innately fallible.
“I want a love I deserved,” we heard people say. Sometimes, we think the same.
Such sense of self-entitlement!
Before we demand or expect to be blessed with the love we deserved, the first question to ask ourselves is: “Do I give love to myself who, more than anyone else, deserved the most my very own affection, acceptance and validation?”
Do we treat our own self like the king or queen that we think we are? Do we treat the other person the same way we wanted to be treated?
If the answer to both questions is YES, then we can go ahead and allow another soul into our heart. Because, by then, we are ready to share the love and happiness that we already have.
Still, notwithstanding that readiness, do not expect that the road to love will be paved and worry-free. Think. Many times, we cannot even agree with our own self. How the heck do we expect to agree all the time with another person?
Besides, what is the point of having someone who is always in agreement with us? Wouldn’t that mean we will have a relationship that cannot polish us, and therefore, we cannot grow? Wouldn’t that assure us of a very boring companionship due to lack of diversity? Wouldn’t we want somebody who can challenge us to bring the best in us?
According to Dr. Jordan Peterson, the huge part of the purpose of relationship is the “companionship and maintenance of sanity because we need someone around who can slap the side of our head and tell us to behave whenever we manifest one of our uncontrollable weaknesses.” And this is vice versa.
“Open your hand, if you want to be held,” to borrow the words of Rumi. Surely, how do we expect to win the lottery if we do not like to gamble?
VULNERABILITY. It is a scary word. FALLING IN LOVE. Just as scary. Entrusting your heart and soul to another who will have the opportunity to do with it as he or she pleases. Every inch of our self screams and fights that.
If we are too scared to be hurt, listen to C.S. Lewis. We must wrap our hearts carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries – not with people or dogs or cats or any living being capable of feeling. Avoid all entanglements and lock that heart up safe in the casket or coffin. At least, we can always brag that we have never been heartbroken.
Yet, what is the point of having a pristine heart unscarred by life? What is the point of living if we will only be too cautious? We might as well be dead if that is the case. Don’t you think so?
Oh, well, I will leave you with that question along with all my love, light and a thousand and one hugs from me to you.