Are you feeling stuck? Or, feeling like you have no other choice but to deal with the pain? Perhaps, you notice that strange flutter in your stomach or the rapid heartbeat of which you cannot account any reason for?
Instead of allowing our mind to run wild into the woods like a deer in headlights, I find it very useful to stop. Halt. Breathe. In and out. Listen to the body. Find where the unease is coming from. Like a diligent detective, search for it. All the while breathing in and out and listening to the body. The worst thing we can do if we are in this situation is to seek distraction to take our mind away from that disquiet.
On the other hand, if we stay with that feeling of discomfort, our attention may eventually lead us to that spring of inner peace somewhere near the navel but seems to be connected, at the same time, with the heart. Once we perceive this spring, we have to tap into it – lock our “gaze” into it until the fluttering and fast heartbeat slowly dies down and we are left with nothing but calm. When we get into this place, notice that even our mind appears to “breathe” with relief – there is a perceptible spaciousness and the muscle strain in the forehead and between the brows also relaxes.
I have been told a few times that I am ahead of my time. I think this point is arbitrary. In the ordinary, unhindered development of a human being, I would say that, maybe, I am also a bit behind of my time. At least, judging from what my night dreams are telling me.
I have my ascendant in Gemini. Thinking type, yep. Jack-of-all-trade but master of none. Lol! That is how Gemini people are perceived, anyway. Unlike our Sagitarrian-born counterparts who seek mastery, we go for understanding only the bigger picture of things and move along to the next point of interest. This trait serves us well as we find it easy to find correlation in things.
Now, logic is a good thing – and a bad thing, at the same time. It drives us to rely on reason heavily. The problem with reason is that it adds few invisible inches to one’s head and, therefore, we might find it difficult to get through and inside the door of the heart. Because those few unseen inches kept us outside – and whenever we tried to get in, it banged painfully against the door’s height clearance.
Intellectually, we tend to understand the way of life a teeny bit ahead of many people, I guess. However, we get stuck at the door entrance. Stuck and unable to move farther because we are torn between trusting the logic and trusting the unknown completely. And that is where our existential conundrum lies.
I knooooooooooooow that life got our back – that life provides unfailingly – that life will not lead us into any rabbit hole unless there is a lesson to be learned there that will allow us to grow into our wholeness as a human being. I know that I can plunge into the unknown and trust that somehow a soft spot will materialize to cushion my fall.
However, I still cannot wrap my head around the question of why must I give up something that is safe and comfortable? Why must I let go of something which took me decades to learn and internalize? Why must I release something that is seemingly good and constructive?
It is funny how I easily deciphered my dreams. It is ironic when we realized that, indeed, knowledge is power – but with that knowledge comes the responsibility. I knew now what the dreams meant – and because I knew, I am now responsible for that knowledge. Should I feign ignorance? Lol! Do you know what they say: you can run but you cannot hide? That is quite true where dreams are concerned.
My lesson is to choose between the rock and the water. Which has the greater strength?
Time and time again – night after night – I find myself running fast like the hounds of hell are after me. I know now what I am running away from. I am not ready to become water but becoming water is the key to my wholeness. I am not ready to learn how to be yielding and let go of my wall. My dreams taunted me for being a “chicken.” We all know what happens to chicken, either they get fried or roasted. I was handed a roasted chicken in the dream.
Stuck. I am stuck in this place – and I am back bargaining that I will try harder to let life lead the way and that I will meekly follow. What a child! I am being asked one simple thing: to be open to receiving love. Why is it so hard to comprehend? Why is it difficult to just accept the lesson and flow with it? Why cannot I completely let go of my control, lower the guard and armor down?
Do you know that sometimes our views of the world conceal a hard truth? When we fail to trust people, it is NOT because we learned from our past experiences and wise up from them. It is NOT because it is some prize or priceless gem to be earned by other people through hard work. It is NOT because we are afraid to be let down by other people. Those are the crap we tell ourselves and in our ignorance we buy that very same story – and think it to be the reality.
The sad truth is that we do NOT trust ourselves enough to make the right decision. That is the unpalatable reality. We are afraid to let our own self down by our own hand should we make mistakes in making our choice. Because, see, if we truly believe that we are strong and wise, shouldn’t we be willing to become like water? After all, if we are truly convinced that we possess both strength and wisdom then we are certain that we can depend on those traits to carry us through – and that we can depend on those traits to guide us in making the right decision.
Whenever life puts us in a certain circumstance where, no matter how much we try, we remain in the same place, the purpose is simple: it is a signal to look down, look within and figure out what is hindering our movement. More often than not, it is our own big ass that is getting in the way of things.
My only consolation is that the recent dreamscapes showed me laughing gaily like a naughty child while trying to evade and outsmart life’s lesson. Plus, I was holding a chubby giggling baby in my arms which means that I am not completely a hopeless case.
Would I pass this test? Honestly speaking, I do not know the answer…there is still a part of me that resists – and then there is a part of me that taunts: “Are you a coward? Don’t you trust your own soul enough? Don’t you trust God enough?”