2020. When our world turns totally upside down and we cannot do anything except to watch helplessly. Lost – without any idea as to how and when the pieces will fall into their right places. We were forced to adapt to a new situation despite our unpreparedness to do so. We were obliged to make do and go on with life on a day to day basis – not much planning and looking forward to the future. Just surviving. The ordinary and the mundane. And finding the sacred in all that.
The Covid time forced many of us to go inward – to attend to our soul business sans the usual distraction of movement or plan to move. I was one of those many.
Personally, I have something to be hugely grateful for in all this uncertainty – in all this bleakness. Amidst these seemingly shitty times, I recently found an extraordinary strength and warmth within which I never fully noticed before.
I discovered an oasis of self-sufficiency…that rewarded me with a sense of freedom I never felt before.
I learned that I am not in need of company to be full and happy – that I do not thirst for either conversations or attention anymore – that I no longer care about opinions – that projections of other people have no effect on my ego-self – that it is alright not to be right all the time – that the intensity of “pain” I suffer is dependent on how I view my situation – that I have no right to judge anybody because the truth of the matter is that we are all going through the same shit – that forgiveness is something I should first give to myself before I can actually give it to anyone else.
Most of all, I learned that I am – regardless of the rollercoaster ride – appreciative that I was given this life – appreciative of living this life – appreciative of the gifts, blessings and challenges, the people and circumstances that come along as a package deal for this very life I have. And I do not regret a thing – not even the bad.
It is this oasis in my journey that I am protective of – it is this oasis in which I wanted to stay, secured and comfortable. Do you know how intoxicating it is to feel that kind of independence from attachments? Would you be quite ready to give it up? However —
Dependence on independence is still a kind of attachment. Too much of anything – even if it is a good thing – is bad for the soul.
So, just when I thought I can get warm and comfy, heaving a great sigh of relief for making it up to this point, finally whole and happy, life now is asking me to re-integrate. To go back to the fold of the collective. To be among people. To be, once again, another pattern.
Doesn’t that sucks? You might say. I said so. Yet —
Despite the childlike manner in which I carry on with my soul business, deep down I am serious on giving it my best shot by trying to cooperate and going with the flow – wherever that flow takes me. I am not shooting for the moon. I am not aiming for perfection. I only wanted to be able to say, at my deathbed, that: “God, I did try damn hard and if it ain’t enough for you, it was enough for me!”
Yeah. Lord Ganesha (the Hindu deity, god of beginnings who protects the divine secret from unripe minds – unripe mind, like mine :-P) will probably have my head for that – perhaps, he will make pixies obsolete in the next episode because they are, admittedly, quite a pain in the ass. Always interpreting the rules in some skewed way – always finding something stupid to say.
Life is the ultimate kōan.
The enigma that cannot be solved. We simply have to find peace in not knowing – and find happiness with how we choose to live our existence.