I caught sight of the Impressum on my Facebook page – read it and found I could no longer relate to the person who wrote that piece more than four years ago. And so I decided to do a little reflection on why I still write. What drives me to sit down and pen my thoughts and this is what I discovered…
Because I want to write for myself. Yes, for me. Not for you. Not for anyone.
I write for me – to organize the clutter in my monkey head – to create a channel for my creativity – to feed my own soul. I write the musings, ramblings and meanderings of my heart to allow it to find expression in the world of creation – to provide it the pleasure and joy one finds in creating.
I write for me to shed light to my own darkness – to understand my own longings and dreams – to know my soul deeply and intimately. I write for me because I want to give myself the best company, the best friend, the mentor, the cheerleader that I deserve. I write that I may become my own light.
Writing crystallizes the thoughts that are running wildly in my head. It allows me to examine the content of my mind and rearrange them and put them into proper context – in much the same way a devoted librarian would index each book in her care. By doing so, my work served as my own life coach that nurtured my spirit.
Instead of seeking validation from the outside, I poured my longings, my dreams, my heartaches, my challenges in a blank page. It was like my working thesis except that I am my own lab rat. Through that process, I am able to see my own views of the world and our existence – constantly examining them, constantly improving them, adding or subtracting and keeping what still serves me as I carry on in my journey.
Until one day I realized that I began to slowly withdraw my projections to other people. I have learned how to genuinely be comfortable with my own company – the feeling of being self-sufficient, happy and content without needing the attention and care of someone else is fantastically liberating. Yet, gloriously simple.
Why did I ever chase acceptance? Why did I ever chase belongingness? Why did I ever chase attention? Why did I ever want to be one of the patterns just to have something I can call mine?
Looking back at my willingness to go through all the hoops and loops in exchange for something less, I can only shake my head, break into a wry smile, sigh and say: “What a child!”
Life is far from perfect for me. But life has nothing to do with perfection. It has all to do with the ability to accept the imperfection, live with it, be happy with it, make do or make more out of it.
I am still protective of my independence. I still try, unconsciously, to hold people at arm’s length. However, I believe I can trust the duck spirit that appeared in my dream. I am strong now – able to thrive in stability but can swim with my emotions without getting lost in the woods. After all, ducks do have wings. If they get lost, they can always fly above to see the path again.
I guess I will always be grateful for the people that the Universe sent my way. They had and have been valuable lessons for me and contributed to my becoming the better version of myself.
I guess I will still see storms and rains in my life but I will no longer be afraid – knowing that those things are only there in order to test the strength of my wings.
I am happy the way I am turning out to be. Happy even when my choices, at times, lead me to constantly diverge my path from other people. Happy even if it means losing acceptance. Happy because, after all, I am finding and recovering lost pieces of my own soul.
Now, if, by chance, you stumble upon this rambling and are able to read my thoughts, I hope that you find some inspiration from it – a ray of good vibes, a dash of encouragement and a sprinkle of faith that all is not lost until we give up the fight. Know that you have something beautiful inside you that is beyond your wildest imagination. Kindle that spirit, feed it with your love and kindness, and it will reward you with happiness that nobody can own or take away from you.