Why Don’t I Change?

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CHANGE. Toss this subject on the table and everyone has a say about it. We also see memes (most famous of which may be the fake Gandhi quote that said: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”) being shared and re-shared million times in the social media about it. We love change. Or, should I say, the idea of it? Especially, and most especially, if the change will be carried on and out without our personal participation in it – without us being responsible for it – and yet, by mere luck or consequence, we benefited from it. Like winning the lottery without buying the ticket.  Of course, we all love to see it happen. Except, not if we need to dip our own hands into it.

Soooooooooooo, instead of asking you, I will ask myself: “Why don’t I change?”

Good question and the answer is quite easy. I do not need a lot of time to figure it out as long as I am honest about it. It is simply because I am lazy and scared. Period. And I would hazard a bet that this answer not only applies to myself, but also, to many people.

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To change means to part with our biases and prejudices – the beliefs, tradition and culture that we have long identified with – the images we learned to attach to ourselves. Disassociating from all these backgrounds that define our person would require constant focus, dedication and energy. Who would be willing to give all that? We have a thousand and one things to do. Who has time for change?

I dreamed that I was with a friend and her daughter on a beach when a female stranger talked to me. I can see boats floating in the ocean. The water was blue on a clear day but the waves were rough (not very huge ones but enough to shake and rattle a boat). The woman was telling me that people who want to fight for love have to pay 5000 in order to be transported from the island to a bigger boat.

I figured out that my friend, Pao, and her daughter who are actually living in Australia represent travel. Travel is a requirement for my spiritual journey (boat). And the 5000 that is being asked as payment stands for change (number 5) – big change (as magnified by the zeroes added to 5). To fight for love does not imply romance; love refers to spiritual growth – something that will not take place for as long as I hold strong on to my attachments consisting of people (emotional stability) as well as material stuff (financial security).

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I have to confess that the boat and number 5 are recurring themes in my dreams that now become more frequent. It feels like a corpse will not rest in its grave until I actually make a move.

Why should I strip myself off of emotional and financial stability, tell me? Why should I risk hurting people because of something that cannot be explained? Why should I venture into uncertainty without a clear vision of its outcome?

I’ll tell you what. If you do not know the answer to these questions, never start a dance with spirituality and destiny. Why? Because once you open this portal, there is no way for you to step back and change your mind. Once your mind and heart are halfway open, you cannot close it again. And lonely as the journey may sound, there is no choice but to move forward.

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No choice. Simply because your foundations will be destroyed one by one – your personal relationships will fall away one by one. You can like it. Or not. Life does not ask for your permission. Perhaps, it is a soul contract. Who the hell knows? Maybe it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who can say?

Why don’t I change? Because I like to just sleep under a tree; rest under the shade with its comfort; be lazy and oblivious. But when it is time, then it is time. I will have to leave the tree and its shade and venture into God-only-knows-where.  See, sometimes we have to change ourselves – some other times, change forces us to change regardless of our own feelings towards it. Lol!

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One thought on “Why Don’t I Change?

  1. Change, both personal and group wise is the hardest thing of all. First there is the “need for change” then the realization that “it is I that needs to change.”

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